I took my camera, some money to buy food and coffee and I just went out. I walked until I took a seat with myself and watched the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen in months. It takes over me, this feeling like I’m on the right path when my Canon is in my hands and we chase the light together, my chest get warm and time stops existing. For months now I haven’t been myself. I can’t find the time and the energy to balance everything out. At least I thought until few days ago. Sometimes the skies won’t show you the sign as clear as you want it to, but believe me the signs are there and you need to trust them with everything you got. Every single thing we have power over is a choice and we get to choose everything. People we hang out with, clothes we wear, food we eat, people we wanna become. So as much as I choose photography, photography chose me right back.
After coming home from Fotosofia photography seminar and getting over the first week of depression because it has ended I was ready to start a new chapter of my photography career. And this chapter actually had little to do with photography. So after I passed the final exam on the 13th of July, I rested for two days and then started at a new job. My earlier work experience was the following (besides photography): washing windows at the gas station and working as a sales person for my mom’s company ”Kich Sapunich”. It took me two weeks to get used to the fact that I started working. It wasn’t so much the job itself, but having this routine of every day waking up at the same time and working 7 hour shifts, standing, constantly in contact with people and their wishes. My legs were sore for days because not only did I work but also trained every day, hard. So getting rest was a challenge. Not to mention the fact that I have one day a week free and every time I would have to decide if I’m gonna go to the beach and chill, or go on a photo sesion or casual photography walk. I couldn’t take my camera to the beach because there are way too many people and I was scared someone will steal my camera while I’m swimming. You can already guess that I chose to go out to shoot every time. I went for a swim just once while my friend was taking care od the camera haha. It’s really funny to me now, but I was at the edge of nervous breakdown. I’m that kind of person who just wants to do everything all at once and now. I can count total 5 days from the beginning of my job that I actually had rested properly. For the first few weeks I would just work, eat, train and sleep. My creative life was feeling left out. And then Filip and I decided to renovate our apartment because it was old and we were freezing during the winter. There was no better time to do it but then because cold days will arrive soon. From the beginning of the renovation there was dust everywhere no matter how hard we were cleaning, cats running around like crazy in this whole mess, work material inside every room. Chaos. I can’t even remember if we sat down like people and had normal lunch. My favorite days were when Filip and I worked the same shifts and had breakfast together or could see each other for two or three hours in the evening before we just drop down and slept like babies.
I would almost start to cry sometimes from all the pressure I was feeling, mainly because I haven’t had the time to go on dates with my camera. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know how to handle everything. Job, blogging, photography, working on projects for other people, making videos, training, cooking healthy food, having a bit of rest… No matter what I did and how I arranged my time, one side of my life was hurting, either my sleep, or my creative life, or my relationship. And then college started. Like I didn’t have enough on my plate. I wanted growth in every sense so universe sent me challenges on top of challenges on top of some more challenges. I had to deal with some family issues too, broke relationship with a close friend who turned out to be a real shitty person and dyed my hair, twice. Everything around me was so rapidly changing but I loved it. In all that mess I loved the fact that I’m completely out of my comfort zone, shifted to something completely new in every sense. On the days when I was really tired and nervous all I wanted to do is crawl back inside of that little bubble of mine and leave a message for everyone to leave me alone. Balancing out work and classes every day is a really hard thing to do. I wanted to study partially and just pass the exams but that wasn’t an option on my college.
So I had to sit and think what am I gonna do with my life. One day I had classes in the morning until 1 pm and then ran to my workplace at which I had to stay until 8 pm. After seeing me all tired and drained, my boss told me to take an hour, have a cup of coffee outside and rest for a while. I felt like I was going to fall apart. I don’t wanna quit college because I only have two more years and want to have that degree just in case, but also because of my family. I don’t want to quit on my job because I need the money for a new camera. My head felt like it was going to burst. Than I just took a sip of my coffee and thought about life. We, all 7 billion of us are intelligent animals living on a blue dot that’s spinning around in blank space among stars. I thought about how we get just one life and we’re free to do anything we want with it. I thought about how I’m gonna look at myself in the mirror every morning and will have to deal with the choices I made. So I took a step back in my head, looked at the bigger picture and asked myself: ”How do I wanna spend my life?” As you can imagine the answer wasn’t teaching at some local high school. My spirit is just too restless. I want to spend it with camera in my hands. That camera is gonna take me to places I can’t even imagine. It will give me the opportunity to meet so many amazing, creative individuals, new cultures and places, spread my mind through new horizons. So I just took a few breaths, finished my coffee and decided that quitting on anything wasn’t an option and that I will work for what I want to matter what.
I had a goal but I needed a better plan, so few days ago I sat down with myself and wrote it all down. I reminded myself and this is a reminder to you too, that some days won’t always go as planned and sometimes we’ll sleep in or miss a class or two, but the main thing is to roll with the punches and know when to strike back. Get the most out of every single moment and have no idling. Do your best to get the best of what this life has to offer us. Challenges are here for us every day, to make us grow and learn so we shouldn’t be afraid to make this choice and bite down to it. Specially if it’s about something we want most in the world. Sorry for the length of this. I always dream that some of my stories will be useful for my readers and I hope this one will too. Don’t give up on what you want. Keep fighting. I promise you it will be worth it. Sea of love, S.