I had an idea what I’m gonna write about today, but this morning I changed my mind due to the feeling I had inside me.

But what I need to do first is go back in time a bit to the beginning of this year. When I look back at it, I can say my life changed upside down and most importantly, who I was before is long gone. Even though I’m a positive person always, sometimes life happens in a way that it’s hard to keep up with that optimistic side and it drags you back in the mud. My journal entries from that period count numberless pages in which I’d sit down with myself and wrote about all the things that bother me, trying to resolve them and pushing myself into starting over, but in a few days, everything would go to waste again. I had an idea of a person I wanna become, an idea what I wanted to do with my life and time, but my life situation kept me away from all that. I was weak and I was completely out of tune with myself. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t do the things I wanted to do. I didn’t spend my time the way I wanted. I always felt the pressure that I’m doing something wrong. Like this big black cloud was always following me around no matter how hard I try lifting myself up. So at the beginning of this year, I decided more than ever that it’s time to get out of all these situations and things that didn’t make me happy, otherwise I’d lose my mind. I couldn’t keep breaking my heartover and over again. I didn’t knew what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want, and I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. That included everything that made me feel like shit. I didn’t want it. And I pushed it so hard and persistently that my life rapidly started falling apart. And in the same time, slowly started falling together. I was in a long relationship that didn’t do me good. And no matter how hard I tried nothing changed, and believe me when I say I tried. So one morning I woke up and realized I need to let go because it was the main reason I felt this way. I realized it was no longer my cup of tea. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t hard either. I think we all know when something is up and when it’s time to move on, no matter what it is that we leave behind. My mom always tells me there will be countless of life decisions I’ll have to make and they’ll all include losing and gaining. And what I gained with this was myself. 

When you’re in a same life situation since you were practically a kid, you know no better. You believe there is better, but you never felt it on your own skin. Only dreamt of it, that someday you’re gonna wake up and everything will be okay. Today was one of those days for me, and the last half of the year have been like that for me. I wake up happy. They say your twenties should be your selfish years and I completely agree with that. That doesn’t mean you should bean asshole to everyone, it just means you should please yourself like crazy. And that’s exactly what I did. It first started with me smoking again. I know it’s unhealthy, but nothing gets me up in the morning like warm cup of coffee and a cigarette and I’m no longer taking that away from myself. My sleeping schedule changed. Even though I do have regular college classes and attend them, some days I edit photos until really late at night, so I give in to myself and sleep until 11 pm. Other times I wake up at 7. I know that’s also unhealthy, but my body and mind respond well to this and I don’t wanna go against that. I started eating meat again. My gastritis flew out the window the day I made up my mind and put myself and my well-being before everything else. Some days I wake up and decide I wanna cook something nice for myself, other days I don’t have any time for cooking, so I just eat at McDonald’s. And even some days I eat cookie oatmeal (Keksolino) for lunch. I lost weight and I can say I’m physically in a best state than I’ve ever been because even though I eat shit food from time to time, I work out and keep my mind and body the way I want them to. When I started realizing how good I feel when I listen to myself and my desires, I also realized how much more I’ve kept away from myself and decided it’s time for moving forward even more. I traveled my ass off. Every opportunity I got, I’d just pack my bags and leave, no matter where and for what reason. I started spending time with my girls again more, for coffees or crazy nights out. Two of them even have their toothbrush at my place because they sleep here so often. I started visiting my parents more, hanging out with my old hometown friends again and allowing myself to be in the here and now completely, always reminding myself of how grateful I am for this change. I was completely in love with my life, for the first time in my life. 

All of this had a great impact on my art. I had a period where I moved away from Instagram and posting on the blog because I needed to find my niche again. And I did. That was the best decision I ever made for my creative life. And in the away time, I kept pleasing myself and creating more and more content every day. While I was on vacation with my parents at my favorite place in the world- Island of Pag, I felt like the muse of creation was wrapping her wings around me and I just kept dancing with her. That was the time I created some of my favorite photos ever, but I wasn’t completely pleased. I wanted more. So I tuned into my desires again and realized I wanna make art that speaks of freedom, freedom of expressing and freedom of being. And because I said to myself I’m never gonna go against myself and my gut feeling again I started creating art I was finally satisfied with. No more restraints. And as I’d finish one thing, an idea for the other would just come to me like it’s waiting in the line for me to complete the one before it and I know it’s because I’m in tune with what I want to create. I never felt this way before and I know this won’t last forever, but I’m okay with it, as long as I keep listening to myself. We all know we’re right about some things, we just need to be brave enough to listen to ourselves, and believe me when I say there’s nothing better than saying yes to yourself.

Some of you may stop and say ”What’s this got to do with anything I’m going through?” and it may be that we’re not in a same life situations, but I know all of us have something that drags us down and something that keeps us away from doing what we want. You don’t need to find it because you already know what it is, you just need to be brave enough to say ”Fuck you” and do as YOU please. And I’m not saying this kind of unhealthy lifestyle is suitable to everyone. Some of you may please yourself by waking up at the same time every day and eating only raw foods. You know what’s best for you at every phase of your life, just listen to yourself. And I know I’ll be over with living like a 16-year-old girl again soon (besides coffee and cigarettes), I’m living like this because I can and because I enjoy it, because I feel it’s the best kind of lifestyle for me right now and I’m never going against myself again. This doesn’t mean you should become an alcoholic because it’s your lifestyle right now. You know you’re living in a good way when you’re growing more than ever and I think you just can’t do that if you’re drunk 24/7. Don’t fool yourself. 

And as it is for me, I’m currently drowning, but for the fist time in my life I’m drowning in a good way. I’m drowning in all the intense new feelings, life situations, relationships. I’m allowing myself to feel everything completely inside and out because that’s who I am and that’s how I’m in tune with myself. One of the best quotes I ever read was ”Attention! Do not leave your longings unattended.” and I completely agree with that. If you push away all the things you wanna do, feel, become, learn and know, you have a fallout with yourself. You become lost. And the way to find yourself again is to listen to yourself again, your soul knows the way.

 

I wanna thank my friend Nina for a beautifully spent afternoon that resulted in badass photos. I’m completely in love with these and I hope you guys are gonna like them too. Nina also writes amazing content and you can read her articles HERE. I hope this ramble was of any help. I always aim towards making you all feel something you can relate with through my own life situations and in the end, changing something for your own sake, like I’m doing on a regular basis. And if I help one person with this I’m eternally grateful. I love you all so much. S.